Kai and Caleb's Adventures: 2012

Organic carrots. Lentil barley stew. The simple things in life. That's usually how we roll.

But sometimes you just need to have your rainbow layered, sugar-coma inducing cake and eat it too.

Caleb's first birthday was just such a time. The only word I can think of to describe this past year is full. There was no looking at the glass and wondering if it was half empty or half full. It was most definitely full to overflowing. It was full of celebration and blessing. Brandon graduated from law school, passed the bar, and started a new job. We bought our first house and moved to a new town to make new friends and find a new rhythm. We celebrated when Brandon's dad made it through his bypass surgery safe and sound. We celebrated when Caleb came through his surgery safely as well after months of sickness. The year was full of joy and gratitude and victory. It was also full of exhaustion from months of studying, working, packing, unpacking, and caring for a sick baby who rarely slept. It was full of failure--of realizing the extent of my own patience and energy and realizing how much I need the grace of God. It was just full. And so, to celebrate the full year that we shared with our healthy little boy who is full of life, we threw a party full of sugar and color and the people we love. It was delicious.

Caleb's favorite toy is a little vintage bead maze I picked up at the antique mall here in Monroe. I made that toy the theme of our a-MAZE-ing party (yes I know, very punny). I spray painted some wire I found in the garage and used it to make this bead maze door wreath and cake topper. He loved it. So did I :)

I am frosting challenged. I used to try and try to smooth that buttercream frosting out until it looked, well, smooth and buttery and creamy. Now I have embraced my buttercream handicap. I hope you look at the cake topper instead.

I ordered some fun rainbow cupcake liners from etsy and filled them with color coordinating snacks for the little ones: orange goldfish, yellow bananas and cheerios, green peas, red strawberries, and of course blue berries! It made snacking easy and a little cleaner with the tots around.

This is a horrible picture, but it looked so cute in person. I saved baby food jar containers for a month and stuck squares of colorful streamers onto the sticky glue left from the baby food labels. They were the perfect serving containers for fresh veggies.

Cake in one hand, cookie pop in the other. Does life get better than that? The only thing that could be better is eating that in a ball pit.

I love you, sweet Caleb, and I am so happy you are part of our life. I wish you many more a-MAZE-ing years full of sugar and joy and family.

The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. God in flesh. Jesus walking the earth-- a man that you could talk to, touch, and see. He says I can know Him.

(Prince of Peace by Akiane)

Who are You, Jesus? What do You look like? What is Your sense of humor like? How tall are You? I want to really see Your face.

10 minutes of silence.

No answer and life goes on.

John said a sharp double-edged sword comes from the mouth of Jesus. It must be true because in the middle of brushing teeth and changing diapers a few nights later I feel these words cut through my heart,

If you want to know Me, you have to know My suffering.

Suffering, Jesus? Am I willing to go there? I have only tasted of it and I am so weak.

I see Caleb in the hospital the day after his surgery. When I saw the tubes and the bandages and he opened his eyes in pain, I felt a hurt deeper than I had ever known before. I prayed for healing and I asked Jesus, "Why?".

I think of praying for my friend during her miscarriage. I prayed for life and I asked Jesus, "Why?".

I think of the two little girls I am praying for now who are fighting cancer. I read the updates from their mothers and imagine the pain and exhaustion and I ask Jesus, "Why?"

Is there any suffering deeper than watching your child in pain and being helpless? Why suffering, Jesus? Why must we suffer and wait and pray for miracles? There are so many promises of healing. Where are You? Why do we have to watch children in pain? It doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem right. Why don't You fix it?

And then my heart is pierced again and I remember Mary.

Mary, highly favored and blessed, was given a child. Her exciting time of betrothal was shattered with accusations of adultery. Her body changed in pregnancy while she was still a virgin. She traveled 9 months pregnant on a donkey to have her baby in a stable. She fled to Egypt in the night when the king sought to kill her child. Her town and her friends did not receive "the carpenter's son" as a prophet, much less the Son of God. She watched Him betrayed. She watched Him accused. She watched Him cold, naked, beaten, and mocked. Did she watch Him stumble under the weight of a cross too heavy to bear? She watched them drive in the nails. She watched Him hang on the cross--the death of a criminal. As He died, He loved her and cared for her, entrusting her into the care of His beloved disciple, John.

My heart aches with conviction and I realize I never want to stand in heaven next to Mary, looking at her Son with scars in His hands, and know that I ever asked Him, "Why?"

I never want to stand next to Mary and know that I ever told Jesus, "That's not fair."

Fair? Why?

Why did Mary have to see her child die like that? Why did her son have to be rejected and despised? Why did He have to have stripes on His back and nails in His hands?

Jesus didn't have to. He chose to. He chose suffering so that we could have life, and life abundantly. Here I have stood gazing at my Shepherd who jumped from heaven into suffering on my account and in asking "Why?" I accused Him of not showing up, of not doing what He should do, of not keeping His promises. I accused Him of running away like the hired help. Forgive me, sweet Jesus. Now I know You better, now I know a glimpse of Your suffering. Now I know that sometimes I lost the battle because I didn't know You and the thief crept in to kill, steal, and destroy. Now when I pray for a miracle, let me cling to Your suffering and know that You payed for the healing with every stripe on your back. You did it. You did it. You did it. You subjected yourself to unfairness so that my life could be fair. You subjected yourself to sickness so that we could be healed. You subjected yourself to death so that we could have life. You did it. Now when I ask for life, I believe that it's mine because I saw You buy it with Your own. Now when I ask for healing I believe that it's ours because I saw You buy it with every lash on Your back. You did it. You did it. You did it. I receive it. I believe it. I know it.